Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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