Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
