Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
