Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
