I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
