I have demons in me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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