He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
