I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
