dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
