sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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