i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
