I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
