i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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