i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
