can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
