lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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