so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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