Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
