Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
