God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
