Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Randomize
