think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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