you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
