Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
