but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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