No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
