all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
