Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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