Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
