My sheets look like a crime scene.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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