I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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