I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
