Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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