I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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