So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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