I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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