Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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