genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize