i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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