Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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