i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
