Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
