God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
