Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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