I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
