Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
