when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
