just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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