Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
