Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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