Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
