genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
