On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
