She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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