it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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