the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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