You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
