My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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