I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i drank out of a bidet.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
