Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I checked into jail on foursquare
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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