He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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